Sunday, February 25, 2007

Top 5 Mood Ruiners

So it's been a good night. You've been chatting up some little cutie for a while and you mention that you've got a couple Jack Johnson CDs back at your dorm room, plus some awesome Scarface posters, so for some bizarre reasons, she agrees to go home with you. The biggest mistake you can make is to just flip open your laptop and just put iTunes on shuffle, because if you're anything like me, there's some stuff in your library that is just not going to be appropriate for the occasion. So here, in order from bad to worst case scenario, are the top five songs to ruin the mood.

5. Any song with an ex-girlfriend's name in the chorus.

There's always the chance that maybe the lady you're touching at the moment doesn't know the intimate details of your past, but if she does, something like this could get pretty awkward.

"Rosalita" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

"Alison" by Elvis Costello
"Wendy" by the Descendents
"Wendy by the Beach Boys

Key Awkward Moment: Whenever the lady in your arms makes the connection between the song and the lady from your past.

4. "A New Hope" by Blink 182

Not only will she think you're into Blink 182, but she'll know you're a Star Wars nerd.

"A New Hope" by Blink 182

Key Awkward Moment: When the chorus kicks in with, "Princess Leia, where are you tonight?"

3. "Bitches Ain't Shit" Dr. Dre

If there's even a touch of feminism in the lady, she probably won't be happy about this one. Bonus points if the Ben Folds cover of this song comes on. Then your lady fair will know that you're a misogynist and a dork.

"Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre
"Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Key Awkward Moment: "Lick on these nuts and suck the dick"

2. "Raining Blood" by Slayer

The biggest problem with this here is that you've got the rain sounds that go on for a little while in the beginning, so even though there's some guitar sounds at first it could be like "Oh, I'll just relax with the mellow sounds of the rain" and then AHH METAL!. All of a sudden you're tumbling all over the place, head over heels, undergarments flying through the air, it's a mess.

"Raining Blood" by Slayer

Key Awkward Moment: When the rain gets overtaken by the ROCKIN.

1. "All Hotties Eat the Jizz" by Necro

If Dr. Dre hasn't driven her out the door, surely Necro will be the last straw. Not only does he go for the misogyny, but the violent attitude is much more overt, and he's just a whole lot more foul. Honestly, if this song came on and a girl wasn't phased, I'd be a bit worried.

"All Hotties eat the Jizz" by Necro

Key Awkward Moment: The whole goddamn song.

So of course, there are exceptions for each song here. I mean, you could have a girl who happens to be a star wars fanatic, a metalhead, or a Compton City G. Or she could have the same name as your ex girlfriend and own all of Necro's albums. Not for nothing, you should probably be avoiding those women.


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